But.
I saw this morning my favorite YouTuber had gotten engaged: que extreme jealousy. Like, really? Yep, really. I'm not so bitter and twisted that I can't be over the moon happy for her, but the little green eyed monster is clawing at me, telling me 'remember how much you hated this time?'. And I have to say, 'no, little monster. Not the whole time. Our engagement was beautiful; perfect even. I was walking on air and felt content for the first time in my life. It wasn't the whole time. It was just the wedding itself, little monster'.
See? I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying really damn hard to not be swallowed up by sadness. But there's that part of me I can't positive talk my way out of, can't shrug away the grumbles of feeling like a failure, can't quite ignore how much it seemed to sum up all the parts of my existence I wish weren't true.
You see, I hated my wedding. And I'm not really allowed to say that, because, you know, I sound like a fucking bitch. And I am. I should be all 'oh, everyone had a good time, so it wasn't that bad' like my husband and new family are in response to my pointing out the shit time I had. But the point is.. I. Didn't. Have. A. Good. Time. And being the selfish beast I am, it haunts me.
I don't just feel like my dress wasn't quite perfect, my hair could have been prettier, not just little things you can maybe photo shop better. I fucking HATED my dress. And my hair. And the people I had as the practically sole persons there for ME. Hated. Hated. Hated. A fiery pit of rage seems to literally gnaw at my insides when I think of it.
The trouble is, it was all my choice. I've got no one to blame but myself. I hastily chose a dress I wouldn't normally have looked twice at, because I took my husband with me dress shopping, as I have no close friends to share that with. I chose the shitty, selfish bitches to be my 'bridesmaids' because I was so, so sad to not have close friends, that when they offered, I thought it might make me happy. Or normal. Knowing that of the 80 guests we invited, 4 of them were people who were supposed to support me, made me feel like a shitty, lacking person. My mother was being a nightmare. My brother didn't turn up. My father didn't even bother respond to my wedding announcement. My only friend was my ex boyfriend, and you know, that's not weird or awkward at all. I was fucking lost, and lonely, and feeling like a bitch for feeling all of that, when I should have been focusing on marrying the man of my dreams.
And I did marry him. We wrote beautiful, heartfelt vows, and as I stood across from him in our backup plan venue because the beach was experiencing some kind of monsoon, I meant every word I said. I think because it was such a momentous occasion for me - this was something I had dreamed about for as long as I can remember - I wanted every detail to be as perfect as possible.
I've thought about doing a vow renewal, or even a whole Big Bang wedding again, maybe on the farm, with all my animals nearby, somewhere I feel I can truly be myself and is the happiest place on earth for me. But not only do I think it's horribly selfish, kinda tacky and a lot of effort for some pretty photos to prove I was happy for the day; I still don't have people in my life that I wish I did - supportive, loyal, honest and true friends. So I'm probably just reiterating the first time around, but in a prettier dress.
I think I'll just have to live vicariously through the engagement journey and beautiful photos of my YouTube friends, and get over myself a little bit.
