Sick little chick

Blogging from bed: because ugh, 'early stage pneumonia'

Literally have left bed about 4 times in the past 7 days (except for wee's, obviously) and that was to watch my baby calf kick the crap out of the vet when he had his stitches out, and to fang around a little bit on our new ATV. 

I. Am. Losing. My. Mind.

I've spent the majority of my time - in between hacking cough fits - stalking potential holiday destinations on TripAdvisor, snuggling cats, and signing up for Netflix - hello, 17 hours of my most favorite chick flicks!

I've basically given up acting like an adult in any way shape or form, and instead focus on coloring in my 'Cats' coloring book, and re-reading Harry Potter, in between fits of hysteria that I can't make up my mind on where to vacation for my 30th birthday next March. 

I just had a coffee and had already read the news (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter) and then stumbled across my old vlogs- and old they are. Kinda got me thinking that maybe it might be fun to have a little filming session and this in turn will ensure I actually take a shower and locate some makeup, as I look like five kinds of shite currently. But... Like... What do I talk about? How exciting my week has been in lockdown in the spare room? An in depth report on how much goop came out of the calfs stitches? Yeah, not exactly living a thrilling life currently, if you hadn't noticed. Let's see what I can come up with whilst I go wash my hair. 

The monster

I don't know if this is a combination of coming down with a cold, being horrendously tired after a night of no sleep, or just true feelings coming to the surface because I am a bad, bad person.

But. 

I saw this morning my favorite YouTuber had gotten engaged: que extreme jealousy. Like, really? Yep, really. I'm not so bitter and twisted that I can't be over the moon happy for her, but the little green eyed monster is clawing at me, telling me 'remember how much you hated this time?'. And I have to say, 'no, little monster. Not the whole time. Our engagement was beautiful; perfect even. I was walking on air and felt content for the first time in my life. It wasn't the whole time. It was just the wedding itself, little monster'.

See? I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying really damn hard to not be swallowed up by sadness. But there's that part of me I can't positive talk my way out of, can't shrug away the grumbles of feeling like a failure, can't quite ignore how much it seemed to sum up all the parts of my existence I wish weren't true. 

You see, I hated my wedding. And I'm not really allowed to say that, because, you know, I sound like a fucking bitch. And I am. I should be all 'oh, everyone had a good time, so it wasn't that bad' like my husband and new family are in response to my pointing out the shit time I had. But the point is.. I. Didn't. Have. A. Good. Time. And being the selfish beast I am, it haunts me. 

I don't just feel like my dress wasn't quite perfect, my hair could have been prettier, not just little things you can maybe photo shop better. I fucking HATED my dress. And my hair. And the people I had as the practically sole persons there for ME. Hated. Hated. Hated. A fiery pit of rage seems to literally gnaw at my insides when I think of it. 

The trouble is, it was all my choice. I've got no one to blame but myself. I hastily chose a dress I wouldn't normally have looked twice at, because I took my husband with me dress shopping, as I have no close friends to share that with. I chose the shitty, selfish bitches to be my 'bridesmaids' because I was so, so sad to not have close friends, that when they offered, I thought it might make me happy. Or normal.  Knowing that of the 80 guests we invited, 4 of them were people who were supposed to support me, made me feel like a shitty, lacking person. My mother was being a nightmare. My brother didn't turn up. My father didn't even bother respond to my wedding announcement. My only friend was my ex boyfriend, and you know, that's not weird or awkward at all. I was fucking lost, and lonely, and feeling like a bitch for feeling all of that, when I should have been focusing on marrying the man of my dreams. 

And I did marry him. We wrote beautiful, heartfelt vows, and as I stood across from him in our backup plan venue because the beach was experiencing some kind of monsoon, I meant every word I said. I think because it was such a momentous occasion for me - this was something I had dreamed about for as long as I can remember - I wanted every detail to be as perfect as possible.

I've thought about doing a vow renewal, or even a whole Big Bang wedding again, maybe on the farm, with all my animals nearby, somewhere I feel I can truly be myself and is the happiest place on earth for me. But not only do I think it's horribly selfish, kinda tacky and a lot of effort for some pretty photos to prove I was happy for the day; I still don't have people in my life that I wish I did - supportive, loyal, honest and true friends. So I'm probably just reiterating the first time around, but in a prettier dress.

I think I'll just have to live vicariously through the engagement journey and beautiful photos of my YouTube friends, and get over myself a little bit. 

Things I have learned this week

* you're meant to sip cognac, not shot it. Yueghhhhh. 

* an Italians version of 'mild' is quite possibly the hottest thing I have ever consumed. Ever. 

* spider bites hurt. A LOT. 

* there is nothing attractive about needing to wee in hospital; even if you get out of using a bedpan. Ass-less gown and 24 ECG cords wrapped around your neck in a wheelchair is not hot. 

* Beverly Leslie could be th cutest little boy-calf I've ever seen. I am a good pillow.

* it's somewhat bizarre having your husband spend the day with your ex, but also really effing cool. I'm so grateful I've got two awesome boys in my life who do all the hard work on the farm whilst I snuggle my calf. 

* watching One Born Every Minute is making me hella clucky. This is an extremely weird feeling. 

June loves!

Dumb Ways To Die: this game... My GOSH. Addiction! Can't put it down! Love it! My kinda crazy!

Ed Sheeran: I mean, I ALWAYS love Ed, but seriously can't go more than a few hours without cranking him and having a nice little song-song. Decembers concert can't come quick enough! 

Tripadvisor: again, always a staple in my daily life, but constantly reading reviews on Honolulu and Maui gets me in the holiday spirit. Kinda silly, as I've spent  lot of time on Maui with our holiday house, but anything to help ignore the wet-n-windy Melbourne weather is a bonus at the moment.

Online shopping: yeah, ok, always a love. But with my busier working hours and other time-zaps currently, ebay is copping more of a workout than it usually does. From dog harnesses to cowboy boots, and a custom hot pink rhinestone studded cattle headcollar, it's been a whole lotta fun. And when it arrives in the post box, it's a little bit like Christmas... 

Pears: poached in balsamic and red wine vinegar and tossed over salads - yum. Like a little hit of summer on dreary winter days. 

Friday nights: commonly when I would cook (absolutely delicious) pizza and have a chill out with good tunes and great wine, our new weekly custom is to meet two dear friends for a quick meal and then leisurely dessert at our local. I love talking horse and devouring mud cake over a few bottles of wine with two beautiful souls. It's kind of ironic that I enjoy their company for their life experience and generosity of knowledge,  when they're hanging for some younger fun and light conversation. Nothing beats discussing warmblood bloodlines, travel experiences and hilarious family anecdotes over cannelloni, chocolate cake and wine. 

39 days

Until sunshine, cocktails and surfing. Yes.

In other news, I woke up on Sunday with my head down the toilet and a pair of shiny, Willy Wonka style ski goggles next to me. My proudness for only pouring myself two drinks came down with a crashing bang when I was reminded of drinking gin straight from a saucepan (??) and the Midori shots I imbibed in. Oops.

Cam and I watched 50 Shades Of Grey this evening - slightly alarmed that he's come to bed with a fire poker and keeps trying to smack me on the butt. 

burning up slightly from the copious amounts of toothpaste I've smeared on my right eyebrow; the worlds largest pimple has decided to erupt (surely can't be related from the toxic amount of gin i ingested?) and I can't be seen leaving the house with it in the state it's in. 

Currently skating on thin ice with excuses for not turning up to work (cow/chicken/husband/horse got loose and I couldn't catch it/him/her) so it's going to need to behave itself and diminish rapidly overnight for me to be able to turn up for duty in the morning.

I ate salad for both lunch and dinner, and am currently in that excitable phase of 'am I thin yet?!' Before realizing I'm no longer 19 and therefore don't still have a working metabolism. Gonna take me a whoooole lot more than gnawing on some iceberg - and winter isn't my favorite time to chew on anything other than potatoes and pastry. Actually, that's my favorite thing to do year round, but still. I'm meant to be dress shopping for our little wedding ceremony in Maui and currently the thought of having to bare any part of my flesh isn't an inviting one - I wonder if I can get away with an all-encompassing ivory coloured kaftan?

Thursday

Turns out the phantom preg is a hole in my stomach and an infected intestine; not a small child attempting to claw its way out. I'm unsure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

It's about -32 degrees currently, otherwise known as The Start Of Winter in Melbourne; and actually 10c. Um... Brrrr. I've tucked the cow into a stable with a large quantity of hay, as I've never actually seen her cold before. She's like a walking, sweating hot water bottle, until today.

Researching thoroughly flights to Maui, to utilize our holiday house and soak up some sun/rape Sephora for amazingly  cheap make up. I think a few days outlet shopping in Honolulu is in order, and revisiting a little restaurant we found overlooking Diamond Head that had the most delicious cocktail I have ever had the pleasure of dunking down my throat. Bizarre that flights to the opposite side of the world are cheaper than visiting Queensland currently, 2 hours away. It doesn't take much to convince me to soak up some Hawaiian sun... Except obviously extremely experience horse-sitters who can deal with my crazy boys every whim and character flaws for a few weeks. It usually takes me at least two days to actually start to relax on holiday, imagining every possible worst case scenario that could befall my menagerie.

 So, time to spend some cashola on employing someone who understands the concept of colic and founder instead of hoping my mum doesn't panic at the sight of Rojo having his morning nap whilst she farm-sits. Oh, to have a holiday I can actually enjoy, and relax, and drink my body weight in Sex On The Beach without terror of them slipping a rug.

And... One of the main reasons to vacation this year would be to organize our vow renewal. We've been sort of planning this since my partial mental breakdown after our *actual* wedding, due to a number of reasons (mostly all imaginary, mostly all of which only belong only in my head), but Maui is like a second home to us since we've been able to utilize the holiday house, and one of our favorite places to digest fish tacos and Piña Coladas on the most idyllic beach possibly known to man - complete with sea turtles! - is a definite option to hold our little ceremony. Gosh... How happy I would be to have stunning picturegraphs of us, all loved up, at Napili Bay, smothered over our farmhouse instead of random pictures cows. Well, actually, I quite enjoy random pictures of cows, so perhaps in addition to. Either way, time to stop eating delicious winter comfort food and start shopping for floaty-beachy wedding dresses.

Right after I was this 3 cheese potato bake. Nommmm.

Wednesday

So, day two kind of got forgotten... I had every intention, and was even thinking of doing it as i prepared a delicious feast (pumpkin pesto lasagne, my new addiction - phooarrrr, it's delish!) but time got away from me.

Wednesday is my weekly day off, and when I hang with my mummy, but she's sick, I'm sick, blah blah blah. Instead, I woke up with the overwhelming desire to create a paper mâché longhorn Bulls head. Yeah, I don't know. 

It's currently drying from its first coat of goop, which is flour/water/salt and making me crave pancakes and Yorkshire pudding, for some reason...

I am pretty impressed with my horn making ability. Pretty gosh darn impressed. Like, I thought they'd be the hard part, but I'm quietly confident I've actually aced them first go. Evidence of my natural horn making talent: 

(Also evidence of my mess. Ignore that).

I kind of want to stand over it with a hair dryer to encourage it to cook, but I'm a tad worried there'll be an awkward 000 requesting a fire truck if I do that. Patience has never been one of my finer points, and having to wait hours (days? Gasp!) is doing my head in. 

In other news, I've just discovered ridiculously cheap airfares to Honolulu; meaning we can island hop to Maui and spend time at our family holiday house... Read: cheap holiday. Read also: must be social with family. I'm in more of a 'lets lay on the beach, being massaged practically non stop whilst downing happy hour cocktails and reading soft porn for women books' mode than a 'can't sleep until midday as it appears rude and have to make small talk over dinner, and can't eat breakfast like a piglet in case I drop crumbs on the $400,000 tiles' kind of holiday mood. But still... Driving around in golf carts and raping Sephora on a daily basis doesn't sound too unappealing. Hmm. I can see today getting lost playing on trip advisor and poking paper mâché continually to see if it's dry enough for another layer. Ahhhhh, Wednesday, how I love thee.