Put a fork in me

...I'm done. There are no words for my current level of exhaustion.

I've driven close to 2000km in 5 days trying to be Nan's ears when she's being told what's happening with surgery/ongoing treatment, and being there for mum as she must be even more exhausted than I am. It's been brought to my attention that hospitals aren't exactly places of action. 

I've got so much on both at work and trying to juggle two huge weekends coming up. Working out what are priorities and feeling like no matter what I choose, I'll be letting someone down. 

It's hard when something I want for selfish reasons - my show cow and prepping for our first show at the start of Jan - is put totally out the window when I know I should be prioritizing my work family Christmas instead. Trying to see my horse who will be put to sleep in a few weeks now has gone to shit. I know he's receiving the best of care with his new owner, but he's been part of my heart and soul for 6 years, and I can't even guesstimate when I will get to say a farewell to him. Feeling so selfish for being sad about the things I *want* to be doing when I know I should be focusing on all the positive of Nan's first surgery going well, and a long overdue catch up with Cam's extended family for our annual Christmas weekend, but I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep, and be with my own family instead. Whine, whinge, moan... Just needing a vent.

Stabby stabby needles

I had my first acupuncture today - I thought we'd just enjoy a little chat and she'd warn me in advance of imminent stabbing. But no. She practically threw a needle into my skull like a dart player to prove it didn't hurt, then proceeded to stick needles in me in various locations, none of which were actually painful except my right wrist. I mentioned my discomfort and was informed the ones you feel are the ones you need to feel most - and turns out my specific pain point was my Heart Protection spot. You know. Like... Where I keep all my emotional walls of barbed wire, bricks and incindary devices to keep people out of my hurt zone. Doesn't sound like me at alllllll. I very nearly had a complete mental breakdown, and I'm not one who is open or receptive to 'relaxation' and meditation, but low and behold after a half hour of listening to a meditation with constant 'shhh! Stop thinking!' Thoughts to myself... I could hardly summon the energy to lift myself off the bed. I felt pleasantly heavy and nicely groggy, but weirdly.... Not traumatized. I don't do needles. I don't do relaxation. I don't do talking openly about the issues I'm having that made me google good old fertility support options. And yet.. Here I am, chilled out, not all up in my head with horrid thoughts, not totally dreading a repeat pincushion experience next week. I actually feel kind of... Not like myself. I am informed I should have renewed energy, a higher level of self acceptance (couldn't be a whole lot lower) and a positive pregnancy test by the end of January. I should be able to wean off the medications I am on, be able to carry to full term and have a less stressful pregnancy and birth and all that jazz. I shall remain hopefully optimistic and see where this stabbing goes.

Intuition

How I hate when it's true, and it's not a happy intuition. All day yesterday I felt the niggle, which carried into today - worrying about my flock. 

The one day I didn't get to see my girls yesterday, as we'd left them indoors all day as we had to rush after work to get to the Robbie concert, and Cam fed them out and tucked them up for the evening. Turns out my darling matriarch Mrs Weasly had passed away during the day - no rhyme or reason as to why - and was found peacefully in her cage last night. Cam didn't want to tell me until today so I was upset on the way to Robbie, and now it makes sense to my why I've had this feeling. Not many people will be as attached to their hens as I am. how I will miss her cheekiness, her extreme nosiness into everything I did,her welcoming heart for all of our new hens and little babies who needed extra careful gentleness, and her flying into my head each night to get to the feed bowl first. She was a far better person than most people I know. Rest in peace, my beautiful Mrs Weasley. 

My Instagram feed

Is legit pretty horses, random calves and photos of Ed Sheeran.

My life in a nutshell. 

Ironman food

This happened tonight. Breakfast for dinner. Ohhhh yeah. 

Weights

Trying to eat healthy. Brought salad and protein balls for my work day lunch. Get to work and there's 12 glazed Krispy Kreme donuts, an entire slab of double chocolate birthday cake, 2 packets of arnotts assorted biscuits and everyone's talking about fish and chips for lunch.... Errrrrrrr.

In other news, I weighed Moopy this morning. He's 12 weeks and two days old, and for a calf his age, he should weigh around 68-73kg (150-160lbs). He weighs 165kg - or 363lbs. Ummm...

Biker bargains, cheeky monkey and karma sutra

This insanely hideous but fabulous biker jacket cost me a whole dollar yesterday. Hello, bargain!

This little monkey casually escaped his paddock today, giving me minor heart failure as I went to free him breakfast and he was nowhere to be found. Turns out he was just lurking on top of the hay stack rummaging through our junk pile.

 What was this company thinking of making this their logo?! Hello, kinky drafts person.

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